*Disclaimer: Yes. I watch The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. No I'm not (insert insult here). Why? Because it's the greatest train wreck in television history.
Last night we finally found out why Clare has gone 0-4 in Bachelor appearances. If you were going to put a sh*t show in a dumpster fire it still wouldn't compare to this Freudian case study. Hey, everybody is damaged goods, myself included, but Clare is stalker crazy. I bet if you looked in her bedroom you'd see a lot of pictures of Dale with torn edges surrounded by a lot of candles.
Last night's episode in 5 bullet points.
- Clare beckons Dale to her suite.
- Clare and Dale bang
- Clare and Dale get engaged
- Tayshia shows up
- Clare and Dale make salad.
- Writing in a journal at the age of 39 with a light blue pen. Seriously Clare? Do you dot your “i”s with smiley faces too?
- The only difference between Clare and a teenager is Clare doesn’t say “like” every third word.
- “Don’t f**k with me”
- The “Congratulations. You just blew up the Bachelorette” money shot lived up to the hype.
- There is NO F*CKING WAY, Dale’s dad was a hitchhiker like Clare's dad. No f*cking way.
- Dale’s smile reminds me of a guy who drives around late at night in a 70’s Ford Econo-line conversion van and a mattress he found in a landfill.
- Blake, Blake, Blake, you’re such a Canadian. And can you please get your mustache length to match your beard length?
- After being on “Listen to Your Heart”, you would have thought Chris & Bri could find something better than a resort gig.
- "Do you want a proposal?” is not the dumbest question Chris has ever asked Clare. The dumbest question was “Do you want to be the Bachelorette?”
- Before this season ends Riley is gonna “f*ck someone up”
- Clare: “You continue to show up for me every day” Dale: “Yeah, we’re quarantined. I’ve really got no other options”
Since the first 3 weeks were a train wreck, this will be the first week for my power rankings.
- Eazy - Eazy is the man. If he keeps being Eazy, he will go wire to wire.
- Origami Guy - Do you know how few anesthesiologists are proficient in Origami: the Japanese art of paper folding? I want to see more swans, rabbits and Pikachu’s made from post-it notes. Bring it.
- Harvard Guy - 27 pairs of shoes. No socks. Tortoise shell glasses, likely with fake lenses. That's what I call a Vineyard Vines flex.
- CTE Guy - He’s like a big sheep dog. Dumb as a stump but lovable.
- Lexi - If I weren’t happily married, Lexi would be my soulmate. Positives - ginger, drinker and most likely owns her own pool cue. Negatives - there’s a good chance she’ll key your car if you piss her off.
Next week - Have your tickets ready because it's all aboard the Tayshia Crazy Train
PHOTOS: Getty Images